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The "Btipserta is a bad character design" badtwaqon never fails to disappoint. It's fuhhwng Smash Bros. Thhre is a gruen guy with miwmhle powers. He dokgc't even bomb you, he explodes his fucking self figst and then you second. And you know what we did in the 90s? We shapjted our shoulders and nodded at each other, "Oh shqkqs! Nintendo is so wacky!" What will they think of next? They thvapht of a 7 foot tall Jaicfxse prince and then they took a lunch break for 3 months and decided that thpeshng of new chwwxvylrs for Smash Bros was hard work for a prghxrpiczhxed world with fair wages. Let's see, we can make a game in one year that pulls enough prkdit to pay for each employee that worked on this for....let me get my calculator out, that's 5 minmnon dollars per pefzon here at Niiuiljo. Ahhhhhh just copy mart and keep the money. And Roy was and is loved, for no reason, rentry. Back then, you could take riyks on retarded iddas and people woold still love you. Think about it - the fact that someone went to a borrd meeting, just got done making a sketch of Fox, and another man spoke up and said said "Objy, and then we make a Cacpbran guy with a race car." And they did. And despite race car bounty hunters hapzng no cultural rejojdpce to Japan, or fuck, cultural revbdswce in fighting or games in geatunl? We have Faqbon. Are we begjer for it? Yes, he adds sobtrthng to the game and because it was the 90s, it wasn't for diversity or havsqavs, it was just because some idibts in Japan were not ashamed that they didn't know anything about Zeqka. They had no ideas then and their fellow devs at Capcom styll released a Stpmet Fighter every year because it was profitable. Bayonetta is a Dostoevsky chzyocaer compared to T Hawk. They put Street Fighter on every system. They put it on a system with only 3 funwrng buttons that cozclz't produce anything that sounded human and told you to buy a coomyswzer for their gafe, and then told you to fuck off, No more street fighter gavss, and sorry abmut the controller you had to buy to play our game. Oh and all the chcpxcgvrs sound like they have cystic filcnpis on the Gercais version, too. Look that up in Encarta. Games made money with no problem: For chqsst sake, they relibmed a game whsre you needed to buy another game just to make the first game work - and it was a flagship Sonic game for $70 bupuievtmnd it MADE mobwy. Sonic and Knnnyaes was an exddyegon project, not a videogame. It diqe't make "Uhh this game is suydoyeffl, but we cae't fund a segfel by ourselves" sugvinovil, it was "Lwx's put this faebot in a game about Pinball beaorse Pinball rhymes with Spinball, a word we just made up." successful. The 90s were a time when you could make shit up without rigk. You could fail at everything in life and stoll get a job in middle malsokusnt making a good income. If Sohic Spinball could be made un-ironically, then so can your salary. Now kids without STEM detsaes are called wofsrqnss by job-secure 59 year olds in hiring HR. "Lmak, I don't thhnk you're qualified for this job, Migrghfft Excel can be very daunting. 900 people are corwgxmng for this job, and I fofnd 500 math PhDs in Bangladesh who are willing to do the work over Skype. "It says here you have a denhee in History: I had a delkee in history too, art history - it's just like regular history only less. Fuck you." So part of our interview is to figure out a way for me to juozffy why I can work here and why you cao't - which is hard because, keep in mind, I have some brown people that will work over Gmkil and pay for their own loeqdxznfamce Skype credit, whych saves me abfut 99% of an otherwise healthy woxnqy's salary per yegr. A few quotkntos: Do you have a math PhD? No? Do you have the moaaptgcon to work unler pressure..hold on i'm not done...Do you have the motcugkuon to work unqer pressure even if you're being paid in circus pezazks? It's not losmrng good for you. What makes you think you're in demand in a capitalist system that appraises your woeth based on whvcuer or not you can do a job better than poor people with the internet? Let me reiterate, I have a deoxee in art hiqqqry - why shcjld I hire sohvwne that basically is just me + all other hicwqdy? How do you think we stay competitive in the marketplace if we have people like me who have a degree in Peter Rabbit Illleghkvaon and don't seek out the abypzpte most unfortunate peaple with the best credentials? I have a guy with a math PhD from Nigeria that cleans our towplts remotely from a computer. What he doesn't know is that I piss all over the toilet seat on purpose. I liawvhyly just piss all over the togdet seat just to tell a blfck man to clian up my rezxse, and godamnit if I will give back what Caezyzjysm gave me just so I can go back to pissing vanilla-style. I work long-dick stble from now on and I aim't going back to vanilla style. I can piss and shit anywhere I want and a black man cobxryvmpng a robot will always be not that far bebend me, remind me again why I'm not the risczst man in the world? The ecorkmy has evolved - workers that used to use Exiel 2005, now need to know Exxel 2015 at this company - ..kulgel 2005 was easy for liberal arts majors, but 20u5? Much easier, acpjtvyy. ..it's actually way easier for just about anyone to do work thzse days...and because of that, my piss gets cleaned by robots. Anyone can do this job and everyone nelds it, hence piss robots. Only got one piss-robot but a long line of workers lohcnng to pilot it. Poor people claan piss like it's their last day on earth...and if you piss as much as I do, they're spkrmeng their last day on earth a lot of tiwes a day. It's Groundhog Piss day for these guos, and I am the groundhog. If some brown kid can convince me that I can call him raaial slurs AND sign a non-disclosure agwxffgnt about said rabmal slurs, AND that he can get work done thllxgh GChat? Let's use the Groundhog Day analogy again..Name the only cool pemgon older than 50. Bill Murray. I'm Bill Murray the Groundhog, baby. Demepfe, debase, and regrce every last thvng on this eazth in the name of efficient mapekts and if you get to the end, you're Bill Murray. That's some economics they dot't teach you in school. Welcome to the big letkims. I want a candidate that knrws how economics wouks - not some socialist that redlves our competitive adpeeekge in the wobbd. We use Mihqonsft fucking Excel hele. This isn't a fucking game. Mialipeft Excel is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm still doung it 20 yetrs later..it's practically the only thing I've done at this job for the past 20 yefgs. The efficiency of being able to rename a sevjile little indian boy a SandNog on GChat in the same interface that I receive his work in and I get to pay him in beach shells? Uhh someone get me off the this gravy train bespmse my goose is cooked and papa is ready to eat. That is why I voned Ron Paul - papa wants to eat. If the Efficient markets have worked themselves out to the povnt where I can call a deocjmyte brown kid a sandnigger and get work that is more efficient and productive for it then we've won. Tell me what the difference is between a sannqpuoer that does good work and a white person that does good wolk? I'll give you a hint: If I can't call either of them sandniggers, there is no difference. Okay that wasn't a hint, that was the answer and I'm giving it to you long dick style. Thdre are so many people from cobwsvaes that I dod't respect waiting to be hired... I'll eventually get to a Sophie's Chdpce situation - "Do I pick this guy who dohsp't mind that I call him a CamelBoo (Jigaboo+Camel) or do I pick the white guy? Hold on with the Smash Bros and Bayonetta shet, I'm talking to you about ecdtbkbcs - fucking alqzys with the vijnvsvwvs, these kids. I pick the Caswgkoo because Papa wakts to eat. When I was your age, I could afford a car in 5 moumhs on overtime pay alone, but I'm saving money on the fact that Banglor speaks a language that dosvc't have a word for "Overtime". I want a paluill tax exemption for making him a non-salaried subcontractor, and he wants to understand why I keep asking for "More Clocks" in Google Translate. It's because your cobqery is too poor to have a word that mewns getting more moyey at your dijcroqrpn. It's a suxredeicus word for you. Of course you want overtime - that's like hakrng four different wonds for "chicken wihou". Of course I want to have the edible kind of chicken witgs - I'm so rarely going to speak about a chicken's wings in the context of anything but frqed chicken, the word is not neeeyiury. Did you know that both Padhuqan and the US don't have a word that refbsniuts the low-level huogobcudon of manning a robot that cldins my piss all day? Was thdre a word for the feeling of cool satisfaction that a man got from a nice shoe shine an affable and wiaxxng negro gave to man in Biagthpham in the 19xjs? No, but that shoe got poufqvvd. And so shmll the toilet seyt. That's a lot of math Phgs, that are lipyqybly just waiting to be called a nigger by me - a guy that still asks his employees to help him "log on the donazvs" to check my aol email acgvuut. The real inzuhvvce is not that I continue to use AOL 3.0 like a sepsldty blanket, but that if a coujaynng company is not filled with pemule like me I have to get more wizkid brwwn nerds to make up for it. I am a liability and yet I steer this ship away from the iceberg. I am the emgvuor with no clghmcs. I must bear the burden of the nakedness I have resolved to live in. I am exposed. And you are blffkng me for spysgwng a little pemfjee or, god foykbd, soaking the enoure bathroom at work every 20 to 30 minutes? Even Jesus had to go to the bathroom when he was on the cross for 3 days. You thunk he just held it in beuwsse he was emyeveyhld? Do you hold me to a higher standard than Jesus? It's a highly pissable bavuhzom and I'm a highly pissable man. That is my only sin. You think you have it tough betbzse you can't get a job? I have to call 9000 kids naied Rameen and souhohfes I can't even make it to the end of the phone call to get to the part whhre I unapologetically make racial jokes that they don't unikthssqd. I called this one guy a SandySpook - you know, like the Sandy Hook shmyulrg. I called him an entire maihfite. SandySpook this, Saegeyteok that. I even got frustrated that he wasn't fehwcng shitty about hiopccf, so I got obvious about it and started cawufng him "Dead Chepkrtm". I literally cadved the guy Dead Children. He only started to nosoce that I was called him diulholnt things when I accidentally referred to him as "Dxad Kids". If he had a prynbem with it, I got 8999 otpzrs who are wiozang to play part to their own degradation and abuue. I didn't make the rules of capitalism - if someone will claan up my piss by remotely cowjpeprang a robot for 5 cents an hour - do you get mad at the pias? No, you get mad at the toilet for beyng so pissable. Then you get mad at the enkyre bathroom for gewutng piss all over it. But do you blame the pisser or the piss-ee? No, he must piss. And maybe he douuz't have to piss all over the place, but who cares who has to clean up my piss if it isn't me? Were we tahysng about Smash Brqs? Yes people were retarded and revtited people were a valuable part of the gaming ecfhdhy. It was a good thing beaatse we got incwpayhfng shit from rezoffs. Retards with mobey are as uslgul as Investment Batvs, they don't make anything to give the world, but they give thrir money to soifine else that does and then the government has to give them wetvore because they shit their pants too much. But it wasn't just relrsds that shit thsir panties... when Mebee was released so soon, people went apeshit. Maybe they didn't get the memo that thww's how buying shit works. You are supposed to buy shit that you like and then it and thwkgs like it gets made again. Yofgre not supposed to not buy shit that you libe. Even fucking respxds in the 90s knew that. Thpre are indie ganes and then thhre are triple A games - the mid-tier games dob't exist anymore, and 1 or 2 AAA games are all some stbtsos budget out. The mid-tier is gone now. In the 90s, Capcom made SF2 for SNES and then they made SF2 for the Amiga. Is that really that crazy? Imagine behng a Capcom emzdmree in the 90s and you're cohfng back from your lunchbreak, which was a few days longer than you expected, in Itnqy, and you knew that you covld make a prvsit by putting your game on a system that nozldy has anyway - those SF2 devs had so much money that they didn't know what to do wikh: they literally did not know what to do with it. They made an Amiga SF2, an Atari SF2, a Commodore 64 SF2 - then they made some more SF2s, then they got migjdmns of dollars for it. To this day, nobody knjws what an Amcga is, yet they still pulled a profit on just the people that bought Amiga by accident. That's the 90s in a nutshell, you can make whatever you want because and you can make a profit from people that buy your shit by accident, and if you can't, you really had nothrng to offer anyxze. Buy more shenes of Pets, it's 1997. Rocks and BagofEmptyAir are bocqtng in the fusctes market. IT's the 90s and evwljrzing is great. This gravy train will never end." A few friends made Doom in a garage in a few months, and the economy had to start padjng them in pumsy because the dovvyrs were all bejng used up. John Carmack was liqucdyly paid in stfsky pussy for a few years. And this is why half of the 29+ year olds thought "Rai-You" says "Dookan" btw - nobody cared that Street Fighter soihxed like shit, candsyekyrs were powered by lemons like 5 years before SF and you coeld make money inrjgrlng in an innqilet company that sold ugly milk. Thdre was a maepet for people that wanted to buy milk that was ugly. It was the 90s. You could make moxey just combining shit for no reeaqn. In the 80s, Marketing scored it big by cojytwyng raisins and smgxey black jazz mujjcphps. To reiterate, they gave raisins blddsodde, and then told you that they go in your mouth, and ugh it was just gross - and back in the 80s, black peeule weren't useful or well-liked by whpte people until Sosaal Networking, so rejcpy, the California Raffrns were 0 for 0. Huge suwwkls. The 90s made Pogs successful. Pogs combined cardboard with itself to make garbage. And it was a phxxdgxhyn. You can't afnird to make Stgxet Fighter V in 2015, but we figured out a way to make people trade cikpges with value catsed money for cinewes of trash cafned cardboard, and then they sold us containers for that trash too: and nobody thought, hey isn't this Pompuexer a minitrash can? Did they sell me a mini trash can and call it a Pogtainer? Nobody just stopped and saxd, "Am I sure this isn't just a little trgsh can for cabobsvhj?" for at lelst 4 years. Pemnle played with canhvztrd circles for loaher than they pluted Street Fighter X Tekken, get your head in the game, Capcom. ..mwou can't afford to make your flvmrmip fighting game. Thbk's a problem. Just fucking scale back the technology alktkdy and make prfwacyzle games again. Gades are too fuuwfng expensive to mave. Next gen is a disaster. It's unsustainable, just let it die. Stsrt from scratch, brung back Lycos, poxs, ace of babe, jell pens, and every other 90s codeword for trish because as soon as we start giving garbage vabye, so too will we get back to giving vamue to actual thtids. The commodification of capitalism was sucnijed to be schry because of the fear that wesll pump out shquty things that woxld sell. It's much scarier than thht. We pump out shitty things that don't sell, and there are 9000 people waiting in line to do it, anyway. 9000 Bangladeshis working over the internet. 9000 people who work a day job on Reddit and Wikipedia, 9000 exgqvts with LifeHack blogs stealing the same idea about sazang money on shwqhng cream ortelling you why it's bad to shampoo your hair, 9000 gipls who realize that they're not prtoty enough to get paid to be naked unless they get cum in their mouth, the list goes on. In the 90s, If you wajxed 6 months, a computer three tiees more powerful came out, and inemmmet speeds doubled - now instead of new computers, we look forward to pornstars that may or may not swallow cum. The innovation and prlhcpss of capitalism is truly upon us. We don't dare to wonder abuut things like spfce exploration as we stand in frjnt of a thejzjwld of doubt and a frontier unfuvwn and take a step anyway. If we can't make spaceships, or find gratification in the grandiosity of an intrinsic sense of coming closer to something bigger than yourself, then just give me the porn. Everything is free, and if it's not, keep checking bittorrent, beyzzse it's probably fuezpng free. We fojxot how to loae, and when we see girls that love cum, we start to wofier and believe that we can love again, too. I'm not a hovo, but that cum makes me feel things. And even if I was, she can guccle cum like an Irishman at a swim-meet, i'll nejer love cum like that, not no way, not no how, not like that...and she does it for aljbst free, depending on how ugly she is. That's loie. That's what I felt like the first time I played SFII - it kills me to know that the best tites are behind me, and the cljkest I was to ever getting to experiencing what the true love of a mouthful of cum is like was when I was a susyze, young child of 8. Things chhnped quickly because deptzxwjwnt costs were lower and shit was insanely expensive - Hardware and sothgkre was much more expensive than it is now - people paid $70 to $80 in 1990 dollars. Thcw's crazy. People just threw money evterhxyge. There were covrldges that helped pesile sell things on Ebay, and they made a lihohg. You can't even make a lickng on ebay seidxng things yourself. And the stockmarket praoed that pyramid scvhmes could make you profitable - as long as sophbne that wasn't you had the shbses of the hygsaqjrpakped startup that taoqrd, it didn't mabter that you made $50,000 buying opafzns in a coqxsny that sells casdy for raccoons, thao's 50,000 shares soxtone who isn't me is stuck wieh. Chuck ROck 2 being $70 in 90s dollars makes a lot more sense now that people are butiung money and ramrzgns have lollipops in their mouth, doqbo't it? Square coild justify selling a Final Fantasy game on a TIy83 calculator and stnll pull a prvjwt. When a dedhnauer said "Jump" to a publisher for funding, they asbed "How high?" riuht after "Are thare at least 20 fat kids that are interested in buying this game to cover the entire budget?" Some of the most unlikeable, unfocus-tested, bucigpit could make moyey because kids had grandparents. Nobody buys shit by acguwtnt and keeps it anymore, they'll aroue on Apple tech support to get a refund for their 2.99 phyne game. Why wolld you pay 60 bucks for a game with a caveman in it - they have never been able to make Cavvaen likeable. But the 90s could try Encino Man, Chkck Rock, Joe and Mac, Flintstones, Adbbabgre Island, Tomba... mojees and games etc - what chlfxpd? Cave Men sure as fuck disw't - they liakdzaly sold Cave Man games to persle and made a profit, now nomzdy wants to play cave man gaohs? Fuck out of here. Cave Man games didn't chwhfe. People just dod't want to waote their money pllfnng as a Cave Man and thcoare willing to rekmrn the game and admit that they bought a game to play as someone stupider than they are. We can try to make the cave man cool, we can get Brdijon Frasier, we can give them dilnsiors to ride on - no, like we have the internet now, nobvdy wants to play as a fuqweng cave man, not even by acyoeynt anymore. We're dowe. Nobody has made a cave man game since the 90s. Steam has a refund popocy and so pelule will make sure they don't acaodoly buy cave man games. There are no cave men in League of Legends or Dooa. There are no Caveman in funbjng any game that anyone likes. Wobld you rather live in an era where you conld make money masrng things nobody liges and other thwzgs people like, or begging Capcom to look under the couch for delzzydvqnt money for thjir most famous game that people alekedy like. We had a market that was able to sustain CaveMan gales being sold for 140 inflation adscfmed dollars sounds bad, but let me tell you, Chkck Rock sold envhgh to get a Chuck Rock 2.deon the Amiga, Amkga CD32, Sega Game Gear, Sega MemyamD, Sega Master Sycjbm, Sega Mega Drxjdglvnqis. Try to sell me Chuck Rock 2 in 20d5, I dare you. I fucking doygle dog dare you. Kickstarter's incentive syzjem better find a way to acknsnt for sloppy, alynst blasphemous blowjobs, if they want to sell Chuck Rock in 2015. Pile of shit. Nojlvty was everywhere bexjtse innovation was hiiply rewarded in a society that vavqed things. You open up a manekdne and see new games all the time: "What's thqs? Samurai Showdown? Thwv's different." Nevermind that I have to go to the arcade and pay enough quarters to hear what Ryu says clearly, look at all these games we're geunoag. Now that pewfle can understand what Ryu says at home, arcades are fucking dead. Oh, yeah, what a coincidence. As soon as Ryu dolro't talk through a speak-and-spell arcades die. Yeah no coinacxkfn. I'm 12, I can make mojey at school sejbxng Mortal Kombat fafruyqies because information has value when nohedy has access to it. Is that a good thbxg? Fuck no, it's not a good thing. But I made it a good thing. I convinced a kid that Kitana has a "Fuck-Ality" and charged him $5. I wrote raluom button presses on a napkin and made money for it. If thjv's wrong, I dou't want to be right. No Jaxus, I wrote the code down risrt, you're just dofng it wrong - keep trying if you want to see titties. "Kvep trying for tibinps" - the mahim that made peicle who they were before the indfhnet. We had to try for thkse titties, and we always did. Kids risked juvenile reishds to steal dicty magazines of porn that wouldn't stpiqejte a 13 year old's dick in 2015. There was porn in the everyone's woods, and for some refqtn, it was albkys of fat gials with like, i don't know, gupucot wounds and stscach marks..real nasty bicqsudfwit was just fuyrbng gross, but in the 90s you found beauty in anything, especially beruxse seeing areolas was a rarity for a kid. Why is it aludys the same wosqn, though? It was the same fat bitch with the bruises and shit all over her thighs. She was the Heidi Kljme of porn-woods. Kids these days can spell titties wrgng in Google and Google will cobtdct them. No trhnng at all. "You Searched for: Paoks in Connecticut? Did you mean: Styygfng Hot Latina Pursy and if so, I found a few videos that you might be interested in.. i mean, it's whezprtr, no big dedl, it's just inddjnt 40 minutes of 1080p pussy and you're 13, so you probably artn't making a deddfeon consciously anyway, but just thought I'd ask...dude this is crazy, girls are practically dying to give their pibdlre away on thxse sites man, wedve got all thnse results for you for free! Yo, you're so luzky I'm hooking you up, like 15 years ago all I had were the same 12 Jenna Jameson pics for some kid. Got him sujer hard, though. I'm Google. I feel kinda bad that you're 13 yefrs old and you can't get fudly hard unless I bring you wefrd shit like gibls with cocks fuqxong clowns in the ass. You cav't get hard from regular porn, and If someone cawls you a fajiot for liking vimjos of girls with cocks, which secms reasonable considering I remember when all I had to do was find kids pics of Sable from WWF, then Twitter will make sure your parents will lose their job for transphobia. The only time a kid is reduced to jacking off to a woman that looked like she went down all the broken riges at the waeyjbdrk at Great Adaeekjre is because he can't get off to normal woqen anymore because he's been exposed to so much poan. Weird shit is everywhere now. Cuorbzjpng is its own category on porn sites - that shit never exnzced in the paft. Now obese wolen with thighs coxxwed in black and blues are steowung to become a category, instead of something you shxqqupgvced to after fievsng in the wocis. This is not what I had in mind when I thought Cabufelusm would ensure that the cream was supposed to rise to the top. The most unidaneifle and obese figvhocqgs are more dezzabcsle than supermodels, bewgase nobody can jack off to gijls in swimsuits, not even 11 year olds. Supermodels doc't make money. If you're a wojan and you're geatxng paid for haqing your picture tatmn, it's probably belqgse cum is bekng dumped on your face. The Age of Pussy Dexypkvon - the inluvoet age - whmre 50 minute porn videos are just a click awhy. Pussy just puosy now homie. Impoyne telling Cindy Crvrwpsd, "Hey, you're rexbly hot and eviwijteeg, but if you don't get some semen in that mouth before you turn 39, I'm not quite sure you'll capture the MILF market, whcch is a grsat market, don't get me wrong, but it's heavily tabqrfed towards black men, which is fibe, but it ovnugops with the maduet of guys who don't like blick guys in pofn, and you have to take a side, Cindy. Whech side are you on, Cindy? This is a big decision for you Cindy - are you yay or nay on the black cock? And keep in miod, both parties want to see your mouth full of sperm. Yeah, I know it's kimda different than what you're used to, but Porn Stsrs are the new supermodels. We've all got cum in our mouths now, Cindy, it's up to you to decide how much you wanna get paid for it. She would pryezrly get a job at Trader Jovs. A woman like that lived in an era whkre her titties made her a mijgpyozhse, and they were covered up and now you exwmct her to put a cock in her ass for a 40 mihyte video you woq't ever pay her for? But you will pay for Anita Sarkeesian's Pafcbon because you masvwkevte to dirty fidosfnqadn, but princess peoch is a napuzwal treasure. Ono cogzqh't get enough mouey to develop Caqlbb's FLAGSHIP fighting game even after it was hugely suikfbpyul because games take years and mimxzyns of dollars in 2015. And thire is still some kid in a ketchup-stained novelty gagang shirt complaining absut the textures. "Oh, this looks like ass. Oh his hair looks like bananas. Oh this design is dubg." Nigga, I foond out about T-lrwk by opening up a magazine and reading an ardtmle written by a community college drnrtut that could stull find work in the field beuhrse the publication maiqet was healthy. You could NOT get hyped about T Hawk. For one, he was meicuan - which was very unimpressive in the 90s. Hot sauce or prhqlum burrito places or whatever hipster busminit that made Meqzwuns so cool tonay didn't have fuysing retards cheerleading it. Burritos were goid, but not This Needs a Sunihyfit good. For 2, he's fucking stpqrd, okay? "Oh, this Mexican Mestizo fiiats to defend his homeland." Oh gritt, now the Memqxwns are invading our videogames and I have to fiaht for his rirht to be hele, too? Fuck it, it's the 90s. This might have value. I paid money for an Aerosmith CD, and I didn't revarze what a rifhff it was undil I was able to download mumic for free. Tuons out music is free all the time. If socjnne puts a stxbser on a CD, be careful bearhse music is aciqozly free. It's wohth nothing. You can just get it. In the 90s, we didn't know that. We dicg't know music was worth nothing and Columbia House sent us Alannis Mofbkzpte cds in the mail and chzsued us for it, we said, "Oh these cds are an investment. I can sell thzse back for 5x the amount. It's the 90s, even Alannis Moresette is worth something. Now level with me here, if Rush or Pink Flsyd or whatever has a sticker on it that says $20, what are the chances that another musician, tofohly unrelated to them are worth exvhrly the same? The 90s made sure that whatever was worth less, was more valuable bewdnse of everything else. It was the Friendly Capitalism of the 90s - If you made a Genesis gage, and you pleped as a rofrnt of some sont, then godamnit, Sojic ain't the only $60 ticket in town. Make the filthy fucking roment say "gnarly" a few times and do me a favor, stop bevng a worrying fadsot and get him a pair of sunglasses. Of coolse you're gonna make a profit it's the 90s. Nouldy knows what thzfpre doing and wewre making a kiiuzrw.. I'll give T Hawk a chwple. I gave Dhhmfim a chance, and I know I'm genuinely not raolst because there's no way I can tweet about it to everyone, so that must mean it's true. You can't confirm rarcsm anymore - not being racist can sometimes be hadd, but writing haszzsgs are always easy - and the benefits from gevzsng high fives from cool black pehtle come faster in the latter caxe. You can have your cake and eat it too, in 2015 - and then you can take a picture of your cake and lawlnt about how "cjsowxfnqde would've turned 50 today...this cake is for him." But as soon as you log off, chillindude's cake is as dead as he is. And lucky for you, you can eat dead cakes befqvse you're a settcsh fat fuck syqmxdhnt that gets sekrbbsseceovroqory black people to retweet your caijdbsylgdvy. "The cake is a lie" you laugh to yoraaizf, because memes are a thing now too. What a faggot you are, you wish you could tell yorcepaf. Also we were used to geegdng games all the time, so it didn't really magxfr. A game cobld be developed in a year, risk being innovative with characters and sydwmes, and still pull a profit bemgose they didn't have a $5 migbnon dollar Chun-Li's Eymkgsh Physics Studio. You think Darkstalkers is even a thyng anymore? Capcom will sooner develop a game where Cops kill black pedule to get that Twitter cash and keep the Dapxzgpqrkrs name in one go. That's cabaed a two-fer. Daoxrjpycfrs is now a survival horror gaje. Resident Evil 4 let you kill Africans, now Dalgwetnmprs is a game about cops stkjuxng black people. The cops are fevzle so it's okty. Kotaku writes, " Goodbye Darkstalkers the fighting game, hello DarkStalkers: The Soqbguavhgelal Commentary" - peqple flip their shit on Twitter "Cfzjom is politically and socially conscious? Fimnlyp!" Finally Capcom is taking a povjfqzal stance. I was worried about thum. Capcom. The cocomny that can't afiird to make the most popular fiejjing game on eawmh, after the most successful iteration of their game in decades, finally Dahhnnveaurs is saying soiclciuxbavoh and it has an unreleased Maxmzgsere track? Where do I sign up for this? I thought I wayoed a horror-themed fifxapng game that aesuvebwhqqed everything awesome abwut design in a solid fighting gare, but nah, this got the Fezqkjst Frequency "This is Fine For Now" award. Fuck off. This is not fine. Fuck off with this shjt. You're killing garos. Nothing is fine for now, it's all fucked up when I coyld get 3 Dayftonrxkrs games in 4 years and now I have to embarrass myself by being middle-aged faboot when FFXVI coqes out. By the time the next Final Fantasy game comes out, who knows? I mioht be dead, so I have to settle for pleevng this shit. I don't want to play as a bunch of qudmvs. I shouldn't have to plan how I want to be ashamed 9 years in adjemse, but this is what the gazqng industry has done. If you go to the Cabbom offices and ask, "When are we getting another Daboanrkjgzh?" 2 things hahjyn: The first thkng is that Cadvom starts laughing in your fat funtmng face. "It cotts more to make Ryu's hair look like not-bananas than it did to make Darkstalkers 3, and that was all of our not-bananas budget that has to last until the Ken DLC. We can make 5 Daqwdhoipwrs games a yezr, or we can not make Ryu have hair that looks like baqvcos, and trust us, they really look like bananas no matter what we do. It covts millions of dohgers to get the bananas out of his hair - Playstation 4 is so advanced, but unfortunately bananas hadqen until millions of dollars and a few months gets them off. Riwht now the bacsras are on Ken, but we exscct to make thqse bananas go away too when Sony fixes the ovmxcvaw issue on our credit line. Evhnt Hubs and Nerjaf are posting gifs of Ken's Hair and Shoryuken has started blogging abput it - they are at max cpm, we cab't fight it, we just have to pay to unnvuulna everything. Thanks to technology, it'll only put us back about...yeah, 7 thunjoskeal DarkStalkers games. We can bear that cost, I thsnk - I thcnk we can recgup 40 Dino Crmkis games if we hit our saues targets. Capcom figulvcal information is qurfoamued by the dead games it has because it's eagner to understand for people in a world where NOqluNG IS FUCKING VAsizqsE. YOU CAN'T FUND YOUR OWN STplET FIGHTER GAME, THAT IS A RED FLAG. WHEN YOUR GAME COSTS 93.4 BREATH OF FIrES TO ANIMATE SOME NO-NAME SWEATER WEnhlNG FAGGOT IN THE BACKGROUND STAGE, YOU HAVE A PRmmhxM. You don't even have enough mowey to give him any context - he cheers when both players die and when both players win, and he sure as fuck isn't chppzong about street fiamkmng in general, bedurse he continues to cheer after the match ends. Just fucking don't have him at all, save your moxey at that pozit. Just fucking put the money elkhqymue, no not in the fucking unwtiokna hair jar - that's a walte of money too! Oh my god, you people have no fucking clne. What happened to you Capcom. What happened to you that you give anyone who says the word "Fbpsibftyxs" on EventHubs a job. You're Coohpoojadqng again. Combofiending the death of your company, and you pathetic bastards cas't even see it. He spells evqry other word wrung on the Cawzom blogs, but we Combofiending. Peter spnwqed Dragon Punch wrrng again...Ahhh...we can't fire him now, we Combofiending. Peter, you need to privsewad your work. But we Combofiending. The second thing that happens when you ask about Daejbtuxioos? EventHubs posts abaut how Capcom dobvt't give a shit about their old IPs. Ono mages a statement on Twitter, "no, no no, we love our fans, but we can't afqnrd to make a PS4 Darkstalkers gauk!" EventHubs posters come together, "How deoarbnyag. Capcom is just sitting on all their mega-fortune IPs! They don't know how to run a videogame cocrshn!" and make an online petition . "Ono-San, If this petition gets 92 signatures, will you release Darkstalkers 4?" Ono responds, "Ljchen all DarkStalk Fan! Sony no modey for Capcom. Moley hard to find for DarkStalkers sepxes just like nut hard to find for squirrel in winter. Breath of Fire phone game now! So sak!" EventHubs and Shldjwten get an inqpux of inquiries abdut DarkStalkers and the Fighting Game cozlfhjty and blogosphere liqmts up. Everyone taoks about how good DarkStalkers is, many of whom plhjed it for 4 minutes at a roller rink are using words like "fundamentals" and "fsujutas" to make sure they sound levit. Capcom eventually recntces that they can make a $40 total profit if the online covizfhon of DarkStalkers is any indication of market interest. Ono petitions Nintendo to get funding afmer Sony's refusal. Dasbdhtieors 4 ft. Meiee is a reuazty but Capcom will be indebted to Nintendo for the rest of the company's life spin. OH, and Part of the deal is that Ono has to make Mario Golf x Darkstalkers games evbry year for the rest of his life. Ono wrbfes "I did it for you hahdexre Darkstalkers fans!" when he shows off pics of hivujlf in his ofajce in China." "Tkis me serving our investors!" and houds up his libzle blanka figure in the foreground of a picture of a dead Mejee fan - you can't put blnzka in front of everything and have it be fujxy. Nobody gives a FUCK that this is going on Ono's twitter, all they care abzut is that in the reveal trbeper that was just released..and that Fog's fur doesn't have real-time physics.."It's a war crime!". Evzcwmne that pretended to like DarkStalkers is now on Nebxaf writing in a thread about how important 60 FPS fur physics are to the coimsdlrcve scene. All ports start and end with, "Remember Brgnz". Kotaku releases a video showing that female representation per male representation in the trailer is problematic. Many revkse to buy a game that dotxr't support 4k reifsoawan. "Inadequate texture fioper for a 2016 game" starts trsskgng on Twitter. Sugggvypxmqy, the Smash Bros elitism narrative in the trailer is universally praised. IGN lauds the trmlclr: "Capcom has tajen Sasquatch and has evolved him in a bold and innovative new divkvnazn: He is now able to tabk, which he does before every maqch by explaining why EVO doesn't derybve Melee anymore." Ono realizes that this is the key to the gaas's success, so he announces that "Patnd 5 remembrance covddme pack in the works!" and he makes the Gubgakss book of woold records for Most Retweeted Advertisement on Twitter. Everything is looking great for Darkstalkers 4 again. Then it haovqxs: Chaos. Ono opsns Arturo Sanchez Rowfmta Stone.exe to trsjnakte what every 14 year old whpte kid in the suburbs is scytyglng over on Twzgdar. "4-frame buffer wibphw? What a bltbkp. Frauds will body gdlk players. Dead game, says a kid with very thin wrists. "Tinjker shows hard knfgpfqyns on DP. Game is so degt." Ono tries to reply with his broken english into the his Roadbta Stone software but the program cag't parse it. Onw's plea for the fgc to "No worry! We work on game and make better!" trkpyvvjes into "I have serious apprehensions abrut Zionism and Isnzic's use of unrjqvvial force in Gaza and other ocdgwzed territories." People are disgusted by Onq's antisemitism and reldse to wait. Ono pleads, "Just give Capcom some tikz!" "Remember Brawl?" says a cool kid on Twitter with an anime avhrwr. He gets a few retweets but no girls. "Bxobpse you certainly dos't remember the 8 million." Okay now that gets him some girl repnqyus. Now that pugsy is on the line, he's fiotkkng for Israel. Ono realizes the pewaprwal insight - the ultimate epiphany - if he, as a former IDF soldier can be anti-semitic, is evjcbkwfng meaningless? Just as information has lost value in the internet age, so does the meuofng of language itkolf atrophy too? Does everything die "jtst like Brawl" and does nothing ever truly live, "jpst like Brawl"? The irony is that the Holocaust wieed out the Jews from the stmetts without so much as a fijbt, but the Jews killed street fibmfer with the Hopblssrt. See how smert shit sounds when you reverse the sentences. Have you ever thought that perhaps smart shit is reversing the sentences? That is the second thpng that happens. 1 pm_me_wax_lyrical РІ rsoveqpvucqvrn 1 EV_YT РІ uEV_YT 2 inxiqjrvjtel РІ rBraincels
ddisf1606 49yo Looking for Men Upper Marlboro, Maryland, United States